Creating Life
It's hard to write about things that actually matter. That's the cross a natural clown such as myself must bear. It's easy to talk about the idocencrencies of the world. It's harder to write about being pregnant. It's something I can't describe. When I try to verbalize what is going on I either sound depressed or I'm dissociating. Truthfully I haven't wrapped my mind around it. But also could I? You don't know what the blue pill is going to taste like. People act excited when I tell them, and then I feel like I have to match their excitement.
On a selfish note, I realize that I'm worth less after this whole ordeal. I'm somewhat commitment phobic, and this is the biggest commitment of my life. I always had the idea that I could get divorced if anything became too much. But now I'm really locked in. And now even less desirable in the dating market. I'll be fatter. WAAAAAYYYYY more baggage. No man wants to date a single mother. I can no longer play the ingenue. Everyone says your boobs suck after having a baby. That scares me the most. My grandmother has the worst boobs ever. They hang down to her belly button!! This whole process is going to age me! That's the real core of having a kid. It makes you think of death. My baby is going to die at some point. My baby is going to be heartbroken at some point. And I have to let that happen. I am also succeeding that I'm not a baby myself. I'm at an age when having a baby is normal.
But in a way I feel like I'm the first person to have a baby. I don't really know any pregnant women. None of my close friends have one. Only vague people from my outside circle.
People say that having a baby changes you. Like you have no say in the matter. Like the katie writing this will be gone in four months. That i have an expiration date. That soon i will rip open and a tired generic housewife will submerge. Invasion of the body snatchers mixed with stepford wives. But I'm not Nicole kidman. I'm Bette midler.
Joe will be great. But also he has a job. And his job involves him sleeping. Dads are great and all, but they are basically the sperm equivalent to the entire pregnancy.
Breastfeeding feels like some cosmic joke. Yet my mother acts like it's the only way. I really can't imagine doing this.
