I can't believe I haven't blogged about having twins. The idea has been occupying my brain since finding out. 

I first started off saying that they didn't find out till the second ultrasound. I remember distinctly telling Joe on our first ultrasound that all we know is that we are only having one. It's laughable now. But at that time that was the only thing we knew. After that first meeting I changed doctors. The old man was talking down to me. It's one thing for someone to be talking down to you, while being in you that just felt disturbing.

Alright I'll get to the start. It was a day like any other. A taco tuesday! Joe usually goes to most of my ultrasounds. The nurses usually say how much of a hero Joe is for doing that. I guess most men don't. But most men are garbage, so I don't think much of it. I'm the one carrying it. That you show up and watch the your future baby actually move around, sounds like a fucking treat to me. But whatever. 

But alas he had to take our daughter to a swim lesson. So this was a solo trip. So we start the ultrasound. The doctor then tells me that I might be having twins. My mind is saying that the doctor is clearly wrong. She asks me to empty my bladder so they can get a better look. My mind is thinking maybe I have a tumor. I'll have to make a decision about chemo while pregnant. My hands start shaking. But my head is adamant that I'm not having twins. Why would I be having twins!?!?!? They don't run in my family. I didn't do ivf. Plus I am a chill type B mom. Only super organized women who have always wanted a big family get twins. I didn't fit that bill. I do like the idea of a big family, but I live in a condo, and hate extra work. 

At this point I'm saying it doesn't run in my family. So it's whatever the other option is. Again in my mind i'm thinking this mysterious extra sack is a tumor. I've eaten too many processed foods to be shocked that I'm getting cancer. This must have been a training day with nurses. Because I remember there being three nurses and the doctor in the room. I clarify with the doctor before I leave to empty my bladder what percentage she thinks I'm having twins. She says %50. I then make a joke and tell the nurses to all pick a side. Each one says twins. I leave the room thinking these people are idiots. That's a stupid bet! The doctor didn't pick a side.

I text joe. Saying they think I'm having twins. I add an lol to show that i don't believe them. He thinks I'm making a joke. This becomes a theme when I tell people. I think I have a sense of humor. But this feels too stupid to be a joke. Like what's the punchline?

I get back in the room. They all find me funny and amusing. My hands are still shaking though. I get back on the table. I say your guys are going to be all wrong, it's probably a tumor. The doctor then shows me that there are two babies. And then she goes a step further and says they are identical. Amazing they can find that out this early. I don't know anything about them. Other than that they are clones. She says she is sending me to another doctor asap. Someone who specializes in “high risk pregnancies”. A term that felt cutting at the time. Like on some level I should be relieved because it might not workout. 

I Facetime Joe showing him the two sacks. So he is up to date on whatever is happening. He has the biggest smile. He looked like he just won the lottery. His mouth resembled a Cheshire cat. It bothered me. I basically said I had to go, abruptly hung up the phone. Then proceeded to throw it against the wall. I didn't have time to celebrate. I turned to the doctor and said okay what should i be doing then. She said nothing. Do everything you were before. “Double prenatal vitamins?” No. “Bed rest?” No. “Should I be prepared for this to not work out?” No. 

Two hours later Joe and I are driving in the car to this new doctor. Amazing how quickly they made a spot for us. It made me nervous though. Like this was some sort of emergency . The new doctor asked if we had any questions. I told him we just found out. How can I have questions when I didn't see this coming? We went to lunch afterwards and they gave us the number card 22. It felt like a good omen. I stole the number card. I told the cashier that, so it's less stealing and more shenanigans. 

Later that day the original doctor called me. Explaining that she told me %50 to ease me into the news. Doctors are instructed not to give you huge news all at once. She said she wished she had been filming me. That i was hysterical. Maybe when I get stressed I become funny. I asked her what the chances are that this won't workout. She said less than %1. I then knew that this was real.

People love to tell you that they too were pregnant with twins once, but they didn't work out. I wish people would shut the fuck up. What a stupid thing to tell me. Am I supposed to offer them condolences? I usually do. But label them a sad lemming who can't read the room. This idea that your sad history is something I want to hear is laughable. I used to waste the time of those people. Thinking they could be saved. But it's like negativity has become their favorite little shadow. You'd think you want to distance yourself from that. I knew several women who post about their rainbow baby, when they have three or more children. 

I think my empathy has gone out the window once I had twins. Like I need to be very proactive with who I surround myself with. I am now way more emotional. And when I tell them this, and that I need to make it a priority to be happy, they can't handle it. I've been someone's free therapist for too long. Holding their own sadness within me. But when I need to make being happy a priority they opt out of the relationship. It's crazy how much lighter I feel now. Having them break up with me washes the guilt off my hand. Shows how much they enjoy rolling around their own sadness. When I'm sad I hibernate. How dare I give it to someone else. I think it's very anglo saxon for me. 

Or you talk about something sad, but you serve it with humor. That I can digest.