This article goes out to the fans. For supporting this strange addiction. 

Well my daughter turned one yesterday. I canceled her party with all her baby peers, and I only pretend to feel bad about it. For starters she wont know the difference. For enders it would stress me out, and I would be constantly aware of how I am being perceived. Which is truly exhausting. 

You know what is a true bonner killer, being self conscious. Once you take your focus off the outside person and start winding into yourself you're basically dead in the water. Hence why i canceled the party. Only when I'm being authentic am I actually a good person. Its once im playing “katie”, then i'm going into autodrive and often that script makes me a generic self deprecating over sharing bozo who just wants people to give me a cookie and pat me on the head. It's disgusting how I need approval. I'm ⅓ through with my life(if i'm being optimistic). I can't keep playing these games.

Recently someone said that cora is delayed. I wasn't mad at the person. I don't think I am a shoot the messenger kind of person. Those people want to snuggle up into whatever lie they are telling themselves and zone out forever. I'm too curious to shoot the messenger. My mom informed me that I was also a later talker, and I guess Joe was too. People tell me this to make me feel better, but i'm pretty sure anyone who thinks marrying me is a good idea is literally retarted, and well im certified. It feels like this baby did not have a chance. She has moments of brilliance though. But maybe if you're around something enough you're bound to see lightning. The lightning just hasn't struck twice…. 

For example she's said a full sentence but then never again. She started coughing, and Joe asked if she was okay, and she replied “Im okay”. But then I try to get her to repeat and she just looks at me. 

The next one is when she finished the song's hot cross buns on the piano. Albeit it was three piano keys. But she had the rhythm, and it was different keys, and it was after my friend had shown her the song 3 times. 

Lastly she was able to work the remote enough to 1). Turn the tv on 2). Get to netflix 3). Get to the children's program 4). Scroll though until she likes what she sees 5). Turned the volume up when i started making a video describing my amazement. It made me nervous how well she was able to engage with the remote so i've kept it away from her since. 

Diana taught me this great lesson, and i've been repeating it to myself and it's made me happier and confident in my life. Which is the only thing a lesson should be doing. It's basically that emotions change, but if you're going in the same direction and your partner and they want to be there with you, then that's all you need. I focus too much on my emotions. And this has been a hard chapter for Joe and I. Often I feel like he is talking to me, and he now comes how later and later from work and then goes to the gym. My friends are like “why do you let him go to the gym”, but if he was fat and annoying i would hate him even more. Plus he is working very hard so that i can stay home. People say that being a stay at home is alot of work, and it is. But if your not being handed money it doesnt feel like it. It just feels like i have never ending amount of chores. 

I hate when you tell someone that you are a stay at home, and every god damn person says “omg i could never”, LIke they would be so bored and unstimulated being at home all the time. And i get it, but also im not saying “omg you let some random take care of this entity that you brought into this world. That has half you and half the person who is going to be a witness to your entire ⅔ of your life. You let some person take care of your baby when your baby cant even communicate. You think that random is going to do a better job then you, and heck throw in another 6 babies. Yeah that will give them the love and attention they need!! Fuck you!”

But also im jeolous… they are free. Free and making money. There husband could leave them tomorrow and i doubt there lives would change. Ive been so overwhelmed at times. When cora was repeatedly sick for over four months, and joe wasnt coming home till 9…….and then when fleas started overtaking my house. I dont think ive had a more profound mental breakdown. I was crying continuously. I use to be able to snap outa crying after maybe an hour. This lasted longer then i even want to type (Im being dramatic), It was three days. Something about finding flea bites on cora. It looked like she had chest acne. On top of all her flea bites, and someone saying she is delayed. It makes me really sad. I also think if i dwell too much on it, it will keep me in a bad place and it will just make me mop and treat it like its a death sentence. Versus me just trying to do the best i can with what ive got. Its like once you label yourself a bad parent it almost excuses you from getting back on the saddle. You have to get up and keep going. 

People who are into birds hate other people or at least women. Just something ive noticed.