Something crazy has happened. Apparently I'm having twins. It feels like something that would happen to other people. To people in movies. Not the center of my universe; me. Identical twin girls. Fourteen weeks in. It almost feels like two pregnancies. One where I knew I was pregnant, and the moment I found out I was having twins.
At first the doctor told me it was 50/50 chance I was having twins. Turns out doctors do this in order to ease you into something. I remember texting this to Joe, thinking that this would be a mistake, and we would laugh about it later. But then I saw proof. Two equal size little babies. I found out later that they are identical. And the last piece of the puzzle is that they are girls. Identical girls. From parent trap to the shining. Turns out mary-kate and Ashley aren't even identical.
People say they are jealous when I tell them the news. Actually people's first instinct is to think I'm joking. I mean it's a valid thing to ask. I feel like saying your having twins is like low hanging fruit in the joke world. Twins don't run in my family. So it's definitely out of left field. Apparently identical twins aren't a genetic thing. Just a weird fluke that happens in nature. 1 out of 250 pregnancies are twins. And only 10 percent of twins are identical. When I break it down this way I feel like I won the lottery. But when I think about the work ahead, I can't even comprehend it. I don't feel like I was a good mother to one. Now the number is up to three.
The only thing I can think of is why this is happening. I was manifesting twins for a friend who was going through ivf. In a way I feel like this is the true definition of karma. Whatever you send out, really does come back. It makes sense if I wished twins for myself. I would be second guessing if I was up for the challenge. But because it was for another person no insecurities blocked the manifestation.
The internet says if you're over 30, have a high bmi, tall, and apparently twins are made in summer. Something about how the day is longer so your hormones crank out more. But I brought this up to my doctor and he basically didn't acknowledge any of those factors.
In my worst mood I think there is no god. Why would god give me two when so many people are struggling to just have one. I was never obsessed with being a mom. I do believe that you have to be relaxed to get whatever you want in this world. If your stressing the universe will torture you forever. I feel like Buddhism goes into basically never being attached to anything. There is some truth to that.
My friend who I was hoping would have twins isn't talking to me now. And in a way I feel good about it. She was negative. If someone isn't happy in their life, they can't be happy for your wins. It's not even their fault. They are just continuing a pattern they learned.
I don't want the twins to have rhyming names. I want them to be individuals. Even though they are going to be literal clones of each other. I hate the idea of having them as accessories to each other. Matching outfits feel like caricatures. Although it's probably going to be easy to just have them wear the same thing. Maybe I'm not taking full advantage of this identical twin thing. I'm scared I will switch them. Maybe it doesn't even matter.
At other times I feel like Forrest gump. Failing upwards. Imagine starting a family “later” in life and being morbidly obese is the very reason I am now having three girls. Like all that time of feeling uncomfortable in my own body was leading me to get a two for one. I don't work because I was fired twice. Like I have this cozy family, and I don't have to go out into this scary world according to my own deficit. What A gift! My sister says nothing can destroy you. If you just keep moving along your merry way. Just being happy and fuck the rules. Reminds me of the tatoo of the snake eating itself. The only thing that can destroy you is yourself. That's why panic is the worst poison. You can't act in your own best interest. You're a scared animal that is going to run from its own shadow.
So far everything with the twins is good. They are the same size. Neither is taking too much from the other one. I just have to stay calm. Oftentimes a hard task. I find myself getting worked up over things that usually wouldn't affect me. We really are victims to our chemistry. So take care of yourself, it's hard to get out of a hole. The whole in the beginning can be self created, but once you're in there it's so hard to get out. Fight to get out of the hole!! Google how to get better brain chemistry. We are animals that need sunshine and omegas.
Three girls under the age of two. Sounds like a dream at times. Other times I imagine myself juggling. I don't even know how to take care of myself. Can Joe take care of five women(counting Diana)? Everyone seems to be poor. Can one income support that in Orange county? We've looked into nannies, and one gal quoted saying 6k a month. Joe says it's okay to go into debt for this. I appreciate that sentiment. But fuck i want to be rich. But I don't want to do this myself. I know I am not a better woman than the girls who murder their own children. They are usually single mothers who are financially supporting everything. No one has kids to ruin them. We all start out with great intentions, and then life beats the shit out of us. We are too tired to do the things we used to fantasize about. Our brains are asleep so we start making bad decisions. I know that the only thing from me being a shitty person is my life has extra cushion. I am not under any misunderstanding that if you take the cushion away i could be the worst.
