Couples Costume
Most females in relationships enjoy dreaming up how their wedding shall occur. What kind of flowers? What are the color schemes? Will their brother get too drunk and do the worm on the dance floor?
However, I don’t do this. Too easy! I imagine how my current partner will be during the delivery of our future hypothetical children. Maybe I’m solely thinking about his reaction. Because I can't even think of myself as pushing out a kid. Childbirth is fucking scary. I don't understand how anyone thinks this is normal. Like the whole vagina part is barf-worthy (did i just invent a word!?!?). OMG, did I just give birth to a word?!?
Another part I imagine when I am in a two person heterosexual relationship is the concept of our Halloween “couple’s costume.” Are we going to go the comedic route? Will we be a famous couple? If it's Barbie/Beyonce/Disney princess then you know the woman is in charge! If it's a comic book character you know he is in the driver seat and probably jerks off to manga porn. If it's a scary costume, then he's in the driver seat. If it's a time period she was the one choosing. If she's an animal and he is something that is somehow connected to an animal then she chooses, but they are both basic.
I don't think people realize that it's somewhat of an homage to our own relationship. Is their relationship based on recreating her childhood fantasies of Barbie and Ken? Do they stay up watching comedies? And think the best costume is Trump and Melania/the wall/Ivanka/Hillary?
Everyone thinks Valentines Day signifies the heartbeat of the relationship. But if you think that's the holiday, then you're just playing the role you think you're supposed to be playing. That's why Halloween is the real one. Do you guys stay home and do nothing? Then you’re two people who have given up on life. Are you the people who are throwing the party? Do you still wear costumes? Are you still trying to enjoy life even though you’re basically too old?
Do people actually wear those stupid sex costumes in real life? Like the socket and plug one? Conspiracy! No one actually buys those! Companies do this so that people send the stupid costume to their friends like” OMG, can you believe people actually wear this?” and then they end up looking for / buying their costume after browsing the site.
A couple's costume forces you to be honest with yourself. Can your man pull off a shirtless costume? And the harder question, can you pull off something slutty? At what age do you phase out of the slutty costume window? I mean, you always see that old lady who is showing way too much of her boobs, but at that point it's just sad. Truthfully, that's the scariest costume for me.
Why didn't I take advantage of the slutty costume years!?!? I wasted it hiding behind my “funny costumes.” I was Sarah Palin for Christ sake! My life was over before it even started!
