You know what's total bullshit. My dad had a heart attack two days ago, and it was decided no one was going to tell me. Talk about making someone paranoid. Im that movie with jim carrey where everyone is carrying on some story and they are all in on it, and jim carrey is just living his life.
I guess I'm not psychic. I had no idea. Unaware. I just thought Joe was stupid.Whenever he did something that didn't make sense to me. Silly, that's my first thought. Turns out I was the stupid one.
They rationalized it because I'm pregnant with twins. Seems like a stupid reason to me. I think they think I'm going to burst into tears and subsequently the twins will burst outta me. Maybe I've sinned too much about being more emotional while being pregnant. Maybe my milking of the situation has made me a quarantine cow??
It's easier to focus on myself being in the dark than the fact that my dad was feeling early signs of a heart attack on wednesday. Today is saturday. Like what if he had died, and I'm finding out everything after the fact? This reminds me so much of getting an email that my childhood cat was already put down in an email. It would have been nice to have dealt with it where the ending wasn't finalized. I think of myself as stoic. So this situation I'm in feels bizarre and not grounded in reality. It seems like Joe was the ringleader of this operation. This reminds me of when women were put in hospitals and their husbands decided what to do with them. Women just cattle around unaware. Being “protected”, frankly it's insulting.
At least in interventions the star of the show is front and center. I love attention! But I wasn't even there to witness it. Anddddddd if the twins were out of me…..it sounds kinda nice. They are basically three pounds now.
Okay back to the real heart of this. My dad had a heart attack. Signs showing up on wednesday. He went to the hospital on friday. He called his doctor friend and he said he should go to the hospital. Such a man thing. Going to the hospital as a last resort. I always felt like dad was too strong for most fat mens pitfalls. I shouldn't be surprised. He has all the signs of a man who would have a heart attack. Yet the whole thing is shocking. It's funny. Death is the only thing that's promised, Yet every time I have faced it I'm shocked. Maybe to go through life normally you have to forget certain truths. For example fuck what people think. When I'm faced with this, I totally agree. Yet I get sucked into this never ending vortex of what people think. But think about it. Imagine once everyone realized that people's concept of you isn't a goddamn thing. Maybe the whole world would erupt into chaos. We need to get back in line. We can't all be outlandish characters who follow our hearts. Some of us have to be the ones who walk next to the npc.
My mind keeps getting pulled other places. I can't think about my dad dying. Currently it feels too dramatic. I cant get worked up or its like proving the family right. I feel for my mom. Shes been having nightmares about him having a heartattack for decades. He hasnt done much to quelch her fears. Shes been begging him to make a trust. He brushes her off. He brushed his own symptoms off. Maybe men would live longer if they had a gentleness ingrained in them.
