Was there foreshadowing that I was going to have twins? I mean some of my favorite movies are the shining and parent trap. But I mean , is there a better scary movie than the shining, and probably most women in my age bracket had the introduction of Nancy Meyer's coziness by that perfect Disney movie. 

Is it worth it? I'm scared to say the answer. Have you ever been so tired you start hallucinating? Have you body ever been so stretched out that strangers are not even shocked when you mention that you're pregnant with twins. My new schedule is staying up till 5am. Which should be a crime since I am actually a morning person. Maybe most people are. Wake up at first it sucks, but the rest of the day you know you're better than the rest of those smuks. 

My eyes are watering. Objects around me fall for no reason. I don't know if it's a ghost trying to keep me alert, or my chaotic sleep deprivation has seeped into the matrix and caused things to warp. 

My brother had a girl who slipped out of his reach ten years ago. He still would think about her. He even wrote a character in his book about her. There was a sex scene too if I recall. Well it turns out she was thinking about him too. Ten years!! Both thinking of the other. She was in a relationship, but still thinking about my brother. It's something out of a romantic movie. Except you would hate the characters. Imagine a movie where the actors aren't going out and following their heart and mind. Instead you watch a movie where the people follow the path of least resistance. Where they follow the “shoulds” and not the musts. 

https://medium.com/@elleluna/the-crossroads-of-should-and-must-90c75eb7c5b0

Maybe we would hate that movie, because it's too realistic. I think about Joe's mother. A woman who has only been with one man. Had his seven children. But I hated him. Never liked him. It's the kind of sad story that makes you want to believe in multiple lives. You can only have one life and then spend it sitting in your own self created jail. It's the allegory of the cave! Truman show! Matrix! Except no ending. 

Well they are planning on meeting next month. Can this fantasy still exist after ten years? If you have chemistry with someone, does it exist forever in your life? Or do we change enough that whatever unlocked something in our souls has an expiration date? Can true love conquer all?

I would assume most people have the one that got away. But I always assumed it was a one way street. The one who was reaching up would be the one reminiscing when they got the best person they could reach for. In this scenario both are under the spell. Maybe I've got it wrong. Something that is so enchanting that it haunts you, probably was something rare. And that both parties cant help but feel the echoes of that dynamic continually in their life. 

I've been haunted by one of my exes. Iv tried to use logic to figure out where my brain kept going back to that simpler time. Most people say your first love is the one that cuts you the deepest. He was the most fun I've ever had with a person. He was chaotic and charming. A trait that my dad has. So maybe that psychologist was right. It was a time in my life when I felt like I knew who I was and where I was going. 

When I stalked his current wife's instagram. He feels like a different person. His hair is to his nipples. He wears shirts that have rainbow mushrooms on them. He lives in his mothers house with his wife. All things that I couldn't stand being attached to. The person I knew back then clearly has morphed into something that I wouldn't be caught dead dating. But at one time he was my entire world. Maybe that's the fatal fault. If you value them too much you end up collapsing into their orbit, and once you've lost yourself you follow them around like a sad little puppy and you lose the string that pulls your destiny.