Manufacturing moments

Let's talk about my youtube career. I couldn't do it. I think my greatest strength is connecting to people. To ad libbing. But the moment I had the camera on me. It ceased to exist. Instead I was trying to play a character of myself. Maybe most youtubers are doing exactly that, they just pretend like it's really them. 

It felt yucky though. It was funny. I could engage with people fine, but the moment Joe started recording I couldn't do it. 

Being aware of yourself is just too much. Manufacturing moments. We consume so much media. Yet we think it's real. I keep going in this cycle of forgetting that it's all manufactured. Why am I such an easy believer?? Believing its real only makes me sad down the line that somehow my life isn't what it should be. 

I feel a little embarrassed that it didnt work out. But maybe it saved me in a way. Like my humanity was my flaw.