I sold my soul for mediocrity.

I sold my soul for mediocrity. And all I got was a middle of the road marriage. I've acted like Joe was this brilliant catch. Convincing the people around me I didn't attach myself to a lemon. Recently he told me that making 30 an hour is my cap, considering all my limited skill set. I calmly reply with considering how badly my already broken ego was hurt with a “i feel like you're boxing me in”. How sad am i! I don't even have any fight in me. I just am wasting my time with someone who thinks my cap is 30 an hour. He replies with ``I'm sorry, and then a minute later taking back being sorry, and says he isn't going to change what he said because “it's true”, and then he proceeds to fall asleep. 

Last night we had sex, and after he says i should shower. So I do what I'm told, like the shell that I am. I'm basically primed for an affair. If any man looks at me and tells me in a brilliant way, I would open my legs so fast I would snap in half.  I spent most of my days at work or counting the remaining hours till my next shift. My husband encourages this. I play the part. 

I keep having sex dreams. Its not even about the sex, its feeling wanted. I cry silently. My cat seems to notice as much as Joe does. I hate him. 

The only reason I swiped on his profile was because he had a vice president on his profile. He doesn't even have that anymore. I got swindled and he isn't even charming. I used to think he was loving, but it was him just reflecting back my light. I literally sing his praises in public, and I usually get a boring one sentence bio from him. Clearly he doesn't listen to what I say about my day. I've marked it down as him just being autistic, but I need to wake up. He doesn't care. He will get a green card out of this deal at least. I'm just wasting the only thing I have, happiness.